R-E-S-P-E-C-T

ok as promised a new post. Hopefully these will come more consistently because I got a laptop all to myself. No more sharing :)

Anyway so I work as a traveling nurse. I was making a long 4.5 hour commute today and listening to the book by the Duggar girls, Growing up Duggar. It's been so convicting not just in how I'm not where I should be in my relationship with God but also in the way I treat others and I think that stems from my relationship with God.

For example.. Lately when John (husband) does something I think is dumb I've been calling him silly names like "that's not how you do that, dork." I've felt the disrespectful tone and I keep thinking I need to stop doing that but then to have it spoken flat out what that is doing to him every time I let this dirty habit slip my lips, I'm embarrassed and full of remorse. That's the big growth spurt today. I'm working on developing consistency in my Jesus time too, but that's still VERY much a work in progress but I know diligence in this area will help me grow to speak more respectfully to my husband as well.

Change

Full post soon to come. Spoiler alert today's the day for change

An aha moment.

So at church today I realized I've been praying all wrong. I've been praying for my way to solve problems instead of asking God to solve the problems. John needs a job. I've been praying for immigration to go through so john can get a job but really what we need is for John to be busy and for there to be enough to pay the bills. So I find I now have a bit more faith and a bit more peace as I pray tonight for God to meet our every need.

I will worship

Desert Song 

Hillsong united

[Verse 1:]

This is my prayer in the desert

When all that's within me feels dry

This is my prayer in my hunger and need

My God is the God who provides

[Verse 2:]

And this is my prayer in the fire

In weakness or trial or pain

There is a faith proved

Of more worth than gold

So refine me, Lord, through the flame

[Chorus:]

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

[Verse 3:]

And this is my prayer in the battle

When triumph is still on its way

I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ

So firm on His promise I'll stand

[Chorus:]

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

[Bridge 4x:]

All of my life

In every season

You are still God

I have a reason to sing

I have a reason to worship

[Chorus 2x:]

And I will bring praise

I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice

I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

[Verse 4:]

This is my prayer in the harvest

When favor and providence flow

I know I'm filled to be emptied again

The seed I've received I will sow

Down I go

I've lost 11 lbs in 10 days! I'm actually losing the weight I want to lose. I'm getting stronger. I've had more energy. My clothes aren't feeling looser yet, but I'm looking forward to breaking through my first goals of losing 25 lbs and being able to run 1 mile. Right now the couch to 5k app is having me run 3 minute intervals, phew those are killer! But it's good. I feel so good when I'm done and it's a great time for prayer too.

Immigration

This waiting game for John's immigration is getting so old. I feel like a broken record praying over and over that today the papers that allow him to get a job will come. It's like we're stuck in this phase of life and EVERYTHING is waiting for him to have a stable job. We're barely making it financially. I'm working 3 jobs and I'm exhausted. I'm scared that I'm going to get into nursing school this summer and June will come and I won't be able to start because he still won't be working. I'm scared we're going to be stuck in this season of life forever. It feels like forever already because he was told originally he'd get his working papers 6-10 weeks after submission... back in May! It's one of those things that we can't even really proactively wait. Johns has looked at jobs over and over but what good does it do without the papers allowing him to apply. We can't afford for him to get his driver's license which would be a helpful step, but until he's working we cant afford the class we can't afford the increase in insurance. It's just so frustrating he's not immigrating from a country that's commonly trying to come to the US. He has no record. He's done everything by the book and yet this process has been so completely complex for no real reason.

As I was praying about all this this morning I told God I'm changing tactics I am going to now be the pesky traveler knocking in the middle of the night for some bread (I might have that story a little off but you get the point) I'm going to ask over and over and over until my prayers are answered. Basically out of desperation. What else am I going to do? What else can I do?

Wifely woes

My fridge is not keeping my meats. I have yet to figure out how to fix this problem, in the mean time I have to grocery shop every other day so we stop throwing out food. Other then this issue I'd say emeals has been helping with my diet and budget. 

The running is going fantastic. Yesterday I went my fastest and farthest! I've lost 5 lbs in 10 days. So overall things are going well. 

On the spiritual side. I'm struggling. I think there are bigger heart reasons besides not just making it a priority, but I can't quite stick a pin on it. I have been reading "when I don't desire God" by John Piper. Hopefully it will shed some light on the problem.

This last week we thought about buying a home, but we've decided to not rush things. We want to be able to buy the home we want not the home we can afford. There's a big difference. 

Budgeting

I was going over the monthly budget and I think maybe we can pay all the bills this month. Yay. But I'm realizing if I'm going back to school in June to get my RN (yay) John has to be working a steady job by then. I wish we somehow had control over this immigration crap. It's becoming so hard on us not having him working. I hate how much I'm having to work to keep us a float. Not to mention that we'd like to be in a house and have a couple grand in savings before we have a baby. It's making this seem like it's going to be forever. 

I have been doing well on my fitness goals so far. I worked out for about an hour this morning. Now I'm trying to work up the motivation to clean the bathroom. Ugh!

All in all I have hope things will look up, it's just draining having to wait for so many things.

Losing it

As I've contemplated the weight loss journey I'm embarking on, I've realized I think why I gained basically twice my weight since high school. I had an eating disorder in high school. I think after I overcame many of the struggles causing that problem it was like I had to prove to myself that being as fat as I thought I was or at least feared I'd become wasn't as bad as I thought. In someways it's not. I'm still loved and cared for by many including those I was sure would reject me. But it sucks being fat. It is hard to put my shoes on. I hate clothes shopping. I feel self conscious out in public. I feel as though I'm done proving that point to myself and. I'm ready to go back down to the size I'm supposed to be. Not with an eating disorder or other twisted mentalities but just eating healthy and being active. I don't want to be limited by my size in the way I interact with my future son or daughter. I hate that on Saturday my weight limited my time at the zoo with my husband. I'm done letting this control me. I'm taking back control.

In a year

So much has changed in 13 months. I'm officially a wife now. I'm a nurse now. John and I have been through so much. Marriage has not been easy for us with all the immigration struggles and the financial struggles that come with it. It's worth it though, so worth it. 

Looking at where we are now, I still find i have so much room for growth as a wife. I snap at my husband sometimes, I forget to "fill his love tank" and I struggle sometimes with leaving behind independence for co-dependence. I haven't been the godly wife I've hoped to be because I've been absorbed in just trying to pay the bills.

So first, I'm striving to be a better wife. I'm striving to submit my life to the authority of Christ so I can better meet the needs of my husband.

Secondly, we have begun intentionally preparing to someday soon start trying for a baby. This will be after the immigration fight is over, but we need to prepare with regards to my health and financially, because whoa kids cost lots of money!!

So I'm back to document these journeys. Often times they'll look the same but sometimes they are distinctly different.

Sunday I start with a new exercise program. I have two goals prior to pregnancy I hope to meet fitness wise, lose 25 lbs and run 5 miles. So here we go.